Mardi Gras, probably the dumbest thing ever conjured by humans

Today is Mardi Gras. For those who don't know, Mardi Gras has something to do with being Catholic and flashing boobs for cheap beads.
Mardi Gras is French for Fat Tuesday, but most Americans are too stupid to even learn proper English, let alone some foreign talk.
Here's the Reader's Digest version of Mardi Gras...
Historically, Catholic people feel guilty about everything. Yes, everything. And they think everything is a sin. Breathing is probably a sin. Look it up. It's probably in the bible. If it's not, say it is.
Catholics love holidays, so they have Easter. Hell, Americans in general love holidays cause they don't have to go to work. I'm in south Louisiana, and I can tell you hardly anybody worked today. Not that anything gets done here anyway, but that's a different subject altogether.
In the weeks leading up to Easter, they need to really pack on the guilt before packing on the pounds by eating chocolate bunnies. You know, to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. So they give up stuff that they love, and sometimes even need in their lives (like the alcohol that helps them forget about how guilty they feel about everything). So the day before they give up something, they have one last party. One of the most famous places for this to take place is in New Orleans. There's parties and elaborate parades, lots of boozing it up and a whole lot of sin. Don't worry about the sin, you will have plenty of time to think about how sorry you are while you are giving up stuff and looking forward to eating chocolate bunnies.
Oh and the colors of Mardi Gras are purple, gold and green. That's important for some reason.
OK, so everyone goes to New Orleans or some other sad little town trying to recreate New Orleans on Mardi Gras and failing sadly. Kinda like Christmas, they commercialize it and get all pumped up. Then it finally arrives and everyone just looks at one another and tries to have fun. That's when everyone realizes how pitiful they truly are and that no matter how hard they try, they're not gonna have fun. So they drink. A lot. And for some reason - and I'm sure modern science has a good answer for this - females feel the urge to lift up their shirts. And sometimes they actually do it. They may or may not be rewarded with cheap, dollar-store beads for this. Sometimes some little kid ends up picking them off. I know this because I picked off many a bead in my day. I was a champ at this. Later in life I learned that a garbage bag full of these beads had literally no value - financial or sentimental. Beads are pure garbage.
Oh, and before I forget, there's also king cake. This is like a cinnamon roll made into a circle with icing on top and some kind of edible glittery stuff. Most king cakes are nasty and get stale quickly. When done right, and fresh, king cake can be pretty good though.


Alright, back to the women flashing. This is the trademark of Mardi Gras. People all over the world and on the Internet know that these two things go together. This is because there are many perverts out there who take pictures of these attention-starved women and they end up all over the Internet. And people seem to like the sight of breasts, so it works out great. At your own risk, do a search for Mardi Gras. Chances are you'll find such photos. And one thing's for sure - at least one dude is going to be in the shot peering with a hypnotized gaze at the breasts. The entire composition of these photos show how pitiful these people are. Almost as pitiful as some guy sitting at a computer writing about how pitiful other people are for thinking they can latch on to a dusty old Catholic tradition and somehow derive fun out of it. Hmm.


So there you go. Mardi Gras is a lot like many other stupid traditions humans have kept alive for some reason. It makes no sense, but it feels good - so we do it. This probably sounds familiar.
So if you are starved for attention - and have breasts you're willing to show to the world - and have more money than brains, then Mardi Gras may be right for you!